January Moon

Before nightfall, I did something I never thought I would ever do in my life: dance in the middle of the street.

I suppose it all started because part of me was restless about what would happen a few hours later, so I “let it out” by dancing the Valencian dance I knew best, and at least that way I could warm myself up a little. I needed it.

The music played inside my head, in my memories of the desert city. I didn’t need anything else. I had never dared to do something like that so openly because… well, back in Valencia I had my reputation as a street kid. Showing “weakness” in front of the vandals from the slums where I lived wasn’t something I could afford so easily.

I closed my eyes as I moved my hips, stretched out my arms and spun around, like a blade of grass swaying in the wind and longing to take flight. It was the kind of thing that stood out on an ordinary street in Heidel, a dance from a distant and remote land; and among the confused looks, some of them even questioning my sexuality, there were also people who clapped and smiled, enjoying that January afternoon after the Cronity celebrations, caught up in the magic of One Thousand and One Nights. More than one person made me blush with all the compliments. I even earned a few silver coins.

More than one person would probably think I’m an egomaniac who just likes drawing attention to himself. But for me, deep down in my heart, it was… nice. I wanted to express myself, to say things without speaking and talking as much as I usually do. I needed to let out that feeling of peace and freedom I had longed for all those years. Something so fragile sometimes… so fucking delicate…

And yet, that rose would soon grow its thorns. A few hours later, I found myself alone in some nameless forest in Serendia, beneath a sky slowly turning black as the shapes of the trees blurred into the growing darkness of the night. Once again, under another moon, I felt my nails growing until they ended in sharp points, my fangs brushing against my lip, and my hearing beginning to sharpen, while the winter cold no longer struck my body the way it normally did.

Some things are never going to change. All these months—no, years—had only confirmed that there was no escape from that truth: the ears couldn’t be removed, I couldn’t run away from that predatory instinct, and the smell of fresh meat became like a drug to me.

This was the one door to danger that Ma had never been able to protect me from. And even knowing that, she had no other choice but to accept it so I could survive and she could live a few more years. Somehow, she trusted that I would eventually escape all of this…

The hatred of my ancestors for having disappeared, the desire for revenge running beneath my skin… it existed. I didn’t share it, but it existed. I carried the pain of centuries of death, a seed those demons had managed to plant inside me.

But those demons were now buried in the deepest reaches of the underworld. I wasn’t. I could run, jump, leap around, climb trees, hunt some animal… What had really changed? I could stop. I could think. The same nightmare had disappeared. I could look at my hands and my tail without being afraid. I accepted myself. That “beast” was me. It had always been part of my nature, and that was something I finally managed to understand and make peace with after I fell from Tenebraum.

Sometimes the scream of a banshee returned to my ears and made my heart shrink. What truly hurt was having harmed the people I loved. That… I wasn’t going to be able to forgive myself for. I couldn’t bear the thought that I had been violent toward those who had offered me their hand, those I had laughed with, shared wine and incredible moments with, those who filled my life with light. It hurt like a stab wound that would leave a scar forever, a particularly difficult one. “No, Anubis, you were possessed”… No. It was part of a nature I didn’t understand and didn’t know how to control. Yes, I was doing what some woman who had trapped my human heart inside a mirror told me to do… but that was still part of me. It was me. I can’t take that responsibility away from myself. (Looks like I really did mature in the end and everything~)

But now I was free. All those doubts had finally gone quiet. And now…

I could lift my head and look at the Full Moon. I could return its gaze while sitting on a rock and do nothing else, without being afraid. Actually… it’s beautiful. The wise men say its glow is a lie, that it only reflects the sunlight from somewhere in the starry firmament… or something like that. What cruel claims~

Somehow, I was connected to it. I felt as though I were in some kind of harmony with it.

Speaking of harmony… Oh. The shamshir.

I lowered my gaze and pulled the sword out of the little magic pouch. I studied its black blade as it reflected me perfectly, two bright golden orbs standing out on my face. There were no jackals barking at me, no Anubis trapped inside… It was just me and an unsharpened sword. Nothing and no one else.

I looked at the lake in front of me. I stayed there thinking for a moment, then decided to take off my clothes.

When I stepped into the silver water, I expected a terrible cold to seize me from the waist down, but nope, not that night. I held the shamshir with both hands. I considered doing something I had thought about long ago: saying goodbye to it, letting it sink into the water and never having to know anything about all of this again; ending this arc the way it was supposed to end.

I thought about my mother, my friends, everything I had lived through… And I stayed like that. I don’t know whether it was seconds, minutes… maybe almost an hour. I had the whole night to think, and on top of that, the luxury of doing it with a clear mind.

My wrists weakened. The shamshir sank into the water; and at the very last moment, I tightened my grip around the hilt and pulled the sword back out. A red and blue glow emerged from its blade. I accepted my duality, and I was the one who would decide what my next destination would be.

I smiled crookedly and, for the last time in my life, spoke to the jackal’s sword:

—Heh. You can still be pretty useful~

If I could use it to save that little street girl from a fire or a robbery—the one who, even without any teeth, lit up the whole place with her smile while she danced that afternoon—then it would be worth it.